Rolly-Polly Beans.

About a 3 to 4 years ago I had a dog. She was a German Shepherd, her name was Sian. She was my best friend; there for me no matter what. One day we noticed something on her paw. We took her to the vet and the doctor told us that it was a sist and that it would eventually just go away.

Probably close to a month later, we continued to notice that it was getting bigger. We to her back to the same vet, they informed us that it was a Cancerous tumor. It had to be removed and then she'd be fine. We spent the money on the surgery, again waited a month, I was the one that found the new tumors on her neck.

There wasn't any way that she could have been saved, we had to put her down. I don't think that I was ever the same after that day. I was crushed, it's one of the weirdest feelings when something you saw everyday, just wasn't there anymore.

I have a cat, her name is Beans. My mom bought her from the Humane Society for me, for going back to school. She made everyday better for me, she's the cutest thing ever. About 5 to 6 months ago I started seeing something strange growing on her ear. We took her to the same vet that we had taken Sian to. They said that they thought it was ring worm and to put her on a certain medication that they gave us. First of all they put her on the medication before they even knew what was wrong with her.

It ended up not being ring worm at all, they then decided that there was nothing wrong with her and insisted that it would go away. 3 months went by and it began to progress. At that point we sure as hell weren't going back to that vet. We found a new one and made an appointment. When we went, the place was really nice and so were all of the doctors. The vet that examined her took a skin scraping of her ear. They told us the results would be in in the next couple days.

The vet called the next day and told us that it was a Mast tumor; cancer. When I heard them say that, a my whole body went numb and all I noticed was the tears that were streaming down my face. It was the most horrible thing I had ever felt, since Sian. They did say that it could be treated and that the survival rate was high. It made me so unbelievably angry at the other veterinary facility. It didn't really make sense how any of them could get jobs with being so idiotic, and how it could happen twice.

Beans and I.

It must be in the end... Here?

I was sitting somewhere today and somebody asked me the following question and I didn't exactly know how to reply.

"How can you make everything so good?"

For a second there, I thought it was the end of us. Although it wasn't because you didn't display any trust in me, I believe it was because there was someone you just couldn't erase from your mind. At that moment, don't think that I wasn't suffering either.

Sometimes I'm still surprised at how fast and how easily it was for you to find my pieces and put me back together. Even if it didn't seem like it, it took me a while to adjust. Adjust to someone caring about my well being; besides my mother. You are literally the most amazing human being I have ever met. You stay every time I push you away.

But there is one thing, I don't think you know how hard it is to think about your 'old' life. I suppose that the most common thought that runs through my head about it is that.. What if I'm not enough one day? Just what if? You have know idea how difficult thinking about it is. All I want is for you to be truly happy, and I hope that I get you close to it.

I love you with every single inch of my body. 

I don't...

Understand the following...
How can over 10,000 songs can fit in an iPod. Why people stalk other people. Why I'm afraid of things. Math class. Why people fake tan. They look oh so fucking orange. Why people wear make-up that makes them look jaundice. You don't have a liver disease. Why Paris Hilton is famous. Why most Realtors are fucking insane. She just had to go back to that house. Oh, sorry, excuse me, she forgot her 1,000$ sunglasses. It wasn't sunny that day. The fact that my sleeping pills make put me on edge. It's not fun, but sleeping is. Why my cat had to get so chubby. Why my art has to live up to a certain standard. Why can't I just paint? If you don't like it, then don't say anything at all. How Thom Yorke was born with such an amazing voice. Why the Iraq war has lasted 5 long years, killing so many people, and gaining so close to nothing. How I finally found a boy that I am content with. How so many bad things can happen in so little time. Why I have to be tired all of the time. Why I am filled with guilt and regret. Why people have to lie to me. Why I get such bad anxiety whenever I leave my house. Why certain songs bring up such bad memories.

There's plenty more.

Best days of my life.

I'm tired of wasting everyday on the same routine.
Example:
Wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed, do my make-up, watch Good Morning America, get on the bus, get on another bus, go to school, do the Wonder word in the Oregonian, get through my school day, call Spencer and hang out with him till 10:00.
It's the same God damn thing every single God damn day. I'm sick of it, and I need something new. I want something new. It's not that I'm sick of my life, I'm just sick of the things I do. Maybe if I wasn't scared of almost everything outside of my house, I'd do something new.
I need to meet someone new, I need a new friend, a new someone to talk to. Most everyone around me bugs the complete shit out of me. I think Spencer should push me to do things more. But I know that if I told him that, I'd soon regret it. I wish I could sleep forever.

A million poppies gonna make me sleep.

Begin here...

She enters the room.
Demands attention.
She loves it, but doesn't deserve it.
She's full of shit and she knows it.
All she does is lie and kiss ass.
People believe what comes out of her mouth. But they shouldn't.
They really really shouldn't.
She thinks she's all that.
But she's not.
She thinks it's cool to wear make-up.
Make-up like the whores who stand on street corners.
She's just oh so punk rock.
She's so ridiculous.

Baby bird.

Mostly I don't understand.
I don't understand the things you do, or why you do them.
It seems like you do it just to spite me.
It angers me to no end.
I don't think you'll ever stop.
You won't ever stop.
You have to much fun with it, don't you?
You like to act like I'm the least important person in your life.
Standing in front of your canvas; I speak, you ignore.
You just have to finish your masterpiece.
Although it doesn't look like much at the moment.
I think it's to stressful to be with you.
You want me, but you throw me away.
You run to your paint bush.
Rather than run to me.
Get over the past.
Move on with your life.

Top ten worst movies ever.

1. The Messengers (Written by Mark Wheaton, 2007)
2. Hostel:Part 2 (Written by Eli Roth, 2007)
3. Babel (Written by Guillermo Arriaga, 2006)
4. Steel Toes (Written by David Gow, 2006)
5. Dead Silence (Written by Leigh Whannell, 2007)
6. Science of Sleep (Written by Michel Grondry, 2006)
7. Running with Scissors (Written by Ryan Murphy, 2006)
8. Moulin Rouge! (Written by Baz Luhrmann, 2001)
9. I Am Legend (Written by Mark Protosevich, 2007)
10. House of Wax (Written by Chad Hayes, 2005)
    

I would think that newer movie would be better then older. But after making this list, it's obvious that most older movies, before 2000, were better than now. I may be wrong, but it's just my opinion that people need to start coming up with better ideas, and better filming techniques, not that I could do any better. I'm just tired of seeing millions of dollars going to waste on the shittiest movies ever.

Magazines.

You might feel sad. You once enjoyed. Symptoms of depression, and suicide. 18 and over. Doctor. Aches. The way you want to feel. Change in dose. Have recently taken. Call children. Diet and exercise. Treated, you can also find. You deserve every chance to feel the way you feel. Worsening liver disease. Alcohol consumption. Uncontrolled. Back page. Dizziness and fainting.

Free-for-all, flat out travelers. No one gets stuck in a tent. Healthy element of risk. Buy a plane ticket. Gets confused and takes the wrong trail. Truly hazardous adventures. Embracing both serendipity and disaster. Mind-blown self. Dream adventure. Led by them. Correct on all counts. Paddler. Dirty work. She asked babbling about the joys. 1998 veteran. Passionate student.

50 facts about me.

1. I love to sleep.
2. I love pasta.
3. I hate fish.
4. I don't like public restrooms. Especially the ones at the mall.
   
5. I don't have a favorite band. Just a bunch that I love.
   
6. Volvo's are my favorite kind of cars.
7. I'd give anything to see Radiohead live.
8. I have a cat, and her name is Beans.
9. I like playing X Box and Nintendo 64.
10. I smoke cigarettes.
11. But I don't smoke pot
12. And I don't drink.
13. I wear 18 rings, almost double the amount of fingers.
14. I like night time better than day time.
15. My favorite colors are white and gray.
    
16. I've had the same shoes since the 7th grade. I'll never give them up.
    
17. I hate drama.
18. There's this boy, Spencer and we're connected at the hip.
19. I love Bluehour.
20. I have 5 chickens. They all have names. One of them barks.
21. I'm afraid to get a job.
22. And I'm afraid to drive.
    
23. I'm actually afraid of most things outside my house.
24. I don't like marble counter tops.
25. I love cooking.
26. I hold grudges.
27. I love painting more than anything.
28. I've never broken a bone.
29. I have gotten stitches twice.
30. I enjoy watching people walk into doors.
31. I like thunderstorms. But not if I'm alone.
32. The Steel Bridge is my favorite one in Portland.
33. My favorite movie is Labyrinth.
34. I have seven piercings.
35. German Shepard's are my favorite breed of dog.
36. I love Root Beer.
37. I haven't cut my hair in over 4 years.
38. People that crave attention annoy me.
39. I like it when it rains.
40. I like getting text messages.
41. I don't like it when I try, but other people don't put forth effort.
42. I'm negative.
43. I'm an Aries.
44. I love word games.
45. I don't like people.
46. But I do like watching them.
47. I like candy.
48. I don't like Wednesdays.
49. I love Urban Outfitters.
50. I love my Mom.
    

My perfect day...

Would be spending the day in Portland with the people that I love. Roaming through the shelves and hangers at Urban Outfitters; only if I had an unlimited amount of money. Eating a well-done bacon cheese burger for lunch in the cafe portion of Bluehour, with my favorite waiter; Michael. Driving up and down 23rd watching all of the Oregonians weaving in and out of the crowds. Sitting on my favorite bench in front of Kinkos; not caring about the surprise rain storm. Walking to Cafe Mingo for dinner and sitting at the bar, watching the cute Chefs prepare my meal. And finally ending the night with kissing my sweetheart on a street corner, not paying attention to the people staring at us.

That would be my perfect day.

Faryn Davis (Fern Works Art)

In my not-so-long lifetime I have only found about three artists that I truly look up to. One of them is Faryn Davis. She grew up in North Carolina, where she would collect things that she would find outside. She attended school at the North Carolina School of the Arts. She was a Seattle based artist and when the New Year rolled around, she moved to Portland. She uses acrylic and resin with found object or painted scenes. I can't even begin to describe how much her art "speaks" to me. Out of all of her work that I have seen, I haven't found one thing that I DON'T like.

PAINTINGS-









JEWELRY-

Top fifteen albums that should be boughten.

Not in any oder. Just go out and buy them.

1. Mockingbird by Papercuts (Released in 2004)
2. Invitation Songs by The Cave Singers (Released in 2007)
3. Haunted by Poe (Released in 2000)
4. Beach House by Beach House (Released in 2006)
5. Knives Don't Have Your Back by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton (Released in 2006)
6. You In Reverse by Built To Spill (Released in 2006)
7. So Tonight That I Might See by Mazzy Star (Released in 1993)
8. Among My Swan by Mazzy Star (Released in 1996)
9. Portishead by Portishead (Released in 1997)
10. Nine Objects Of Desire by Suzanne Vega (Released in 1996)
11. OK Computer by Radiohead (Released in 1997)
12. In Rainbows: Disc Two by Radiohead (Released in 2007)
13. Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes by TV On The Radio (Released in 2004)
14. The Virgin Suicides by Air (Released in 2000)
15. Fur and Gold by Bat For Lashes (Released in 2006)
    

I'm wasted and I can't find my way home.

I drive and I drive, but I feel as if I'm just going around in circles over and over again. I don't really know what to do anymore. It's like I'm disgusted with everything and I feel like I'm suffocating, even if I'm standing outside in the fresh air.
It really bugs me when people think that their significant other can wash everything bad away. It's not necessarily true. At least in my mind it's not. People act like if they love someone, that that someone can fix everything that they don't like. If you want to be realistic, thats not life at all. It's so far away from the real world that I can't even begin to describe it.
I'll admit, the significant other can fix some stuff, but at the end of the day, isn't the problem still there? I suppose it would be.

More

I don't really understand what happen to us, I guess I just need to get some stuff off my chest. I say that I hate you, and I say bad things about you everyday, but I think that it's because it saddens me to think about how close we were before. It's also because I feel like you just walked away from our friendship when I stopped smoking. We used to spend almost everyday at each others houses, and now I only really talk to you at the morning bus stop. I don't agree with some of the stuff that you do, only because I see how much it ruins your life. You used to be a very likable person, and now I don't feel that way. You never used to run away from your problems, and now you do almost everyday. I remember when you had your good days, and your bad days and more and more each day I see your mood swings out of nowhere. It annoys me that you think drugs are the way to go, and it annoys me even more that in the past it's all we did together. It's like you just found a scape route by smoking pot. Sometimes I wish that we were still friends, if only you were sober more. It bugs me when you think you need to win at everything, and be better than me. I guess I want you to read this and it will make sense why I act the way that I do around you.

Kelsey Kisler.

In Middle School I met a girl named Kelsey, she is a year older than me. I didn't like her very much, and I don't think she liked me either. (But hey, who am I kidding? I didn't like anyone in Middle School.) I also didn't like her friends, what she did, or what she said. I thought she was just another preppy West Linn teenage girl. Then I dropped out of Middle School and to my satisfaction, I never saw her again.
About 2 years went by; no Kelsey Kisler. When my Mom finally made me go back to school, it was my Sophomore year of High School, I had already known people that went to this school but to my dissatisfaction Kelsey Kisler was one of them. When I walked in on the first day, I was so disgusted with the fact that she was here. I tried to not make eye-contact with her, but since I talked to Brooke, I had to. When we looked at each other I gave her the dirtiest glare that I could.
Later in the year I began to give the "hating people" thing a rest. It ended up working out for the best, in my opinion. Kelsey and I started to become good friends. It is now my Junior year of High School, and I'm sitting next to her as I type this. I think we've made progress.

Pretty much.

I hate the fact that we used to be best friends, and now we're not. I hate the fact that you make me want to rip out my hair. I hate how nosey you are. I hate how you make everything a competition. I hate how you always need to be part of the "in" crowd. I hate that you think you're the coolest person ever. I hate the way that you talk about your boyfriend. I hate the way you look at me with your bitchy eyes. I hate the way that your mood swings have taken over your whole life. I hate the way you sigh if I do something you don't like. I hate that you're only nice to me when you want a cigarette. I hate the way you brag about what drug you had done that week. I hate the way that you don't say please and thank you. I hate the fact that you're not grateful for anything. I hate the way neither of us bring this up to each other. And also; in no way was I trying to hurt you feelings, I'm just speaking what's on my mind.

A list of 100 movies.

So, I wanted to make a list of some of my favorite movies. There no in any specific order and they aren't any specific order. I put the name of the director, the year it came out and the genre it is in. I also added a good line from a couple of the movies at the end.

1. Romeo+Juliet (Baz Luhrhmann, 1996. Drama/Romance)
2. Labyrinth (Jim Henson, 1986. Fantasy/Adventure)
3. Drugstore Cowboy (Gus Van Sant, 1989. Drama)
4. United States of Leland (Matthew Ryan Hodge, 2003. Drama)
5. Candy (Neil Armfield, 2006. Drama/Romance)
6. The Invisible (David S. Goyer, 2007. Mystery/Drama)
7. The Believer (Henry Bean, 2001. Drama)
8. Lucky Number Slevin (Paul McgGuigan, 2006. Crime/Drama)
9. Stay (Marc Foster, 2005. Mystery/Drama)
10. American Beauty (Sam Mendes, 1999. Drama)
11. Requiem for a Dream (Darren Aronofsky, 2000. Crime/Drama)
12. A History of Violence (David Cronenberg, 2005. Drama)
13. Rory O'Shea Was Here (Damien O'Donnell, 2004. Drama)
14. 200 Cigarettes (Risa Bramon Garcia, 1999. Comedy)
15. The Lookout (Scott Frank, 2007. Suspense)
16. Four Rooms (Quentin Tarantino, 1995. Comedy)
17. Very Bad Things (Peter Berg, 1998. Dark Humor)
18. Natural Born Killers (Oliver Stone, 1994. Drama)
19. Brick (Rian Johnson, 2005. Drama/Mystery)
20. The Squid and the Whale (Noah Baumbach, 2005. Independent)
21. Rushmore (Wes Anderson,1998. Comedy)
22. Snatch (Guy Ritchie, 2000. Crime/Thriller)
23. Running Scared (Wayne Kramer, 2006. Thriller)
24. Four Brothers (John Singleton, 2005. Drama)
25. Spun (Jonas Akerlund, 2002. Independent/Drama)
26. Dark Days (Marc Singer, 2000. Documentary)
27. The Salton Sea (D.J. Caruso, 2002. Drama)
28. The Machinist (Brad Anderson, 2004. Thriller)
29. Hard Candy (David Slade, 2005. Thriller)
30. Grey Gardens (Albert Maysles, 1975. Documentary)
31. Everything Is Illuminated (Liev Schreiber 2005. Drama)
32. Tideland (Terry Gilliam, 2005. Drama/Fantasy)
33. Jesus Camp (Heidi Ewing, 2006. Documentary)
34. Half Nelson (Ryan Fleck, 2006. Drama)
35. The Basketball Diaries (Scott Kalvert, 1995. Drama)
36. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Terry Gilliam, 1998. Comedy)
37. Mean Creek (Jacob Aaron Estes, 2004. Drama)
38. F**K (Steve Anderson, 2006. Documentary)
39. Little Miss Sunshine (Jonathon Dayton, 2006. Comedy)
40. The Devil and Daniel Johnston (Jeff Feuerzieg, 2005. Documentary)
41. 21 Grams (Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, 2003. Drama)
42. The Virgin Suicides (Sofia Coppola, 1999. Drama)
43. All I Want (Jeffrey Porter, 2002. Comedy)
44. American History X (Tony Kaye, 1998. Drama)
45. Excess Baggage (Marco Brambilla, 1997. Romance/Comedy)
46. Elephant (Gus Van Sant, 2003. Drama)
47. Being John Malkovich (Spike Jonze, 1999. Comedy/Fantasy)
48. The NeverEnding Story (Wolfgang Peterson, 1984. Fantasy)
49. Suspect Zero (E. Elias Merhige, 2004. Thriller)
50. Friday the 13th (Sean S. Cunningham, 1980. Horror)
51. Friday the 13th Part 2 (Steve Miner, 1981. Horror)
52. Friday the 13th Part 3 (Steve Miner, 1982. Horror)
53. Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter (Joseph Zito, 1984. Horror)
54. Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (Danny Steinmann, 1985. Horror)
55. Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (Tom McLoughlin, 1986. Horror)
56. Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (John Carl Buechler, 1988. Horror)
57. Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (Rob Hedden, 1989. Horror)
58. Jason Goes to Hell (Adam Marcus, 1993. Horror)
59. Jason X (James Isaac, 2002. Horror)
60. Freddy vs. Jason (Ronny Yu, 2003. Horror)
61. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Marcus Nispel, 2003. Horror)
62. The Jacket (John Maybury, 2005. Thriller)
63. The Departed (Martin Scorsese, 2006. Crime/Drama)
64. Pulp Fiction (Quentin Tarantino, 1994. Drama)
65. The Piano (Jane Campion, 1993. Drama)
    
66. River's Edge (Tim Hunter, 1986. Drama)
67. This Is England (Shane Meadows, 2006. Drama)
68. The Brave One (Neil Jordan, 2007. Drama)
69. My First Mister (Christine Lahti, 2001. Comedy)
70. High Tension (Alexandre Aja, 2005. Horror)
71. 28 Days Later (Danny Boyle, 2002. Horror)
    
72. Crash (Paul Haggis, 2005. Drama)
73. Hustle & Flow (Craig Brewer, 2005. Drama)
74. Grindhouse: Planet Terror (Robert Rodriguez, 2007. Horror)
75. Grindhouse: Death Proof (Quentin Tarantino, 2007. Action)
76. In the Land of Women (Jon Kasdan, 2006. Romance/Drama)
77. Trapped (Luis Mandoki, 2002. Drama/Thriller)
78. Loverboy (Kevin Bacon, 2004. Drama)
79. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Michel Gondry, 2004. Drama)
80. The Professional (Luc Besson, 1994. Action)
81. Stir of Echoes (David Koepp, 1999. Thriller)
82. The Truth About Cats & Dogs (Michael Lehmann, 1996. Comedy)
83. SLC Punk (James Merendino, 1999. Comedy/Drama)
84. Romper Stomper (Geoffrey Wright, 1992. Drama)
85. Donnie Darko (Richard Kelly, 2001. Drama)
86. Fight Club (David Fincher, 1999. Drama)
87. Ghost World (Terry Zwigoff, 2001. Independent)
88. 12 Monkeys (Terry Gilliam, 1995. Fantasy)
89. A Beautiful Mind (Ron Howard, 2001. Drama)
90. Rain Man (Barry Levinson, 1988. Drama)
91. The Fifth Element (Luc Besson, 1997. Fantasy)
92. Waterworld (Kevin Reynolds, 1995 Fantasy)
93. O Brother, Where Art Thou? (Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, 2000. Comedy)
94. Thumbsucker (Mike Millis, 2005. Independent)
95. Junebug (Phil Morrison, 2005. Independent)
96. Benny and Joon (Jeremiah S. Chechik, 1993. Comedy)
97. Blow (Ted Demme, 2001. Drama)
98. The Hunted (William Friedkin, 2003. Action)
99. Garden State (Zach Braff, 2004. Independent)
100. Trainspotting (Danny Boyle, 1996. Independent)
     

I suppose that I put these movies up for a reason. I think that all of them made me feel a certain way. Touched my heart in a certain way. Made me cry a certain way. Made me disgusted in a certain way. Made me laugh a certain way. Made me think a certain way. All of them made me do SOMETHING a certain way.

"Dreamers often lie." -Romeo + Juliet.
"We would have injected vitamin C, if only they had made it illegal!" -Trainspotting
"I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind, I'm not perfect." -Eternal Sunshine
"The looks like a perfectly healthy green dog."- Spun
"I think there are two ways you can see the world. You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out."- United States of Leland
"The future was a thing that gleamed, the present was so very very good."- Candy

Artists in and around the Portland area.

I want to take the time to write about musicians and artists in Portland. Death Cab for Cutie is the first band that comes to mind. Chris Walla, who is the guitarist and producer of Death Cab, has recently moved to the Portland area and seems to love it. I think that the only reason I met him, is because of my Mom. She was the one who sold him his house. Chris is one of the warmest people I have ever met, and that also includes his girlfriend, Rachel. They're both amazing people, and they're the kind of people you'd want to spend your day with. Chris has just released a new solo album call Field Manual, which is a great CD. My Mom had the opportunity to be part of the first video from the CD. It was filmed in various locations around Portland, and the finished product is exceptional.
Chris Walla-http://www.barsuk.com/bands/chriswalla

I have also had the pleasure to meet Nick Harmer, the bassist of Death Cab. The first time I met him was at a birthday party for Chris' girlfriend. I think that for more than half of the dinner, Nick sat at the end of the long table telling shit and boner stories, as well as jokes. I suppose it was a good ice breaker. And yes, the night was filled with drunken laughs. It was one of the best birthdays I had been to in a long time. Nick is also a great person, and I hope to stay friends with him in the future.

Colin Meloy, the lead singer of The Decemberists, I have only met him once. And when I did, I had no idea who he was. I was at a baby shower for him and his girlfriend that was at a family friends house. I'm still not a big fan of The Decemberists, but oh well. He still seemed to be nice, and his girlfriend is also.
The Decemberists' site-http://www.decemberists.com/

Tim Perry, lead singer of the lesser-known band, Pseudosix. I'm not that fond of him, but I still gave his music a chance. I ended up loving it when I heard them open for The Decemberists. Tim and I have butted heads since the first day we met, and in my opinion, that'll never change. But seriously, if you have a chance to hear them live, take it. It won't be regretted.
Pseudosix's site-http://www.pseudosix.com/

Chad Crouch, is a painter and musician that I grew up with. I think that he is the biggest reason that I started painting. I don't know much about his music, but he does own a record label; "Hush Records". He is the sweetest, funniest, coolest, nicest person ever.
Chad's site- http://www.chadcrouch.com/
Hush Records-http://www.hushrecords.com/